He really is a good shepherd. Annoyingly so sometimes. He knows how to guide us and steer us in the right direction; but. because we're such stupid sheep [who miss the obvious cues and road signs], He sometimes has to resort to uncomfortable means to get us out of our comfort.
Here has been His rod-and-staff approach with me lately:
1. Rent is due Monday and I'm about $50-$75 short.
2. I cannot find a job for the life of me. I've looked everywhere. No open doors.
3. I'm almost out of groceries.
4. Almost all my service hours at IHOP are being cut. On June 30 I will have no more morning hours at all. And then by August all my hours at the Global Prayer Room will be done. I think our team will still have 1 to 3 sets a week, though. Maybe. Basically, I'm getting laid off, except that I wasn't paid in the first place.
5. For some reason, this is all stressing me out and I haven't been sleeping well at all.
So, basically, I'm completely broke and I feel completely aimless. "Ba-a-a-a-ah! Help! B-a-a-a-ah!"
I could just sit in the Prayer Room all day (I'm running out of places to apply at), but that doesn't pay the bills. Or is that what God wants me to do right now, even if just for a couple days? Do I really trust God? But, then again, I don't want to test Him. And I don't want to be an ostrich about this.
Maybe this is all a sign that it's time to move on? But where? Back to Minnesota? Back to Chicago? Somewhere else entirely? Is it time to go to Asia yet? I'm a dumb sheep, remember, God? What are You getting at? What's the point?
A big point, I'm sure, is trust. And God often uses our circumstances to help us reevaluate our priorities. Even though I've been at IHOP, my prayer life lately has been skim. And I lost my old Bible last week at the Prayer Room and haven't been able to find it. I put in my hours, but my heart's not really engaged. I was getting comfortable and settled in, which can be good, but in this case led to complacency.
He originally led me here (I think...) as a major step in my preparation for overseas mission work. A season devoted to prayer, studying the Word, learning to wait on the Lord (and all that that means)... It's been really refining in a lot of ways. You can't spend a lot of time with God and NOT have issues come up, and not learn a lot about who He is and who you are in Christ. But I got distracted by the work of the ministry itself, and by other hobbies and interests and "building my own life" here...
And now I'm getting reawakened. When a muscle or limb falls asleep from sitting too long, it's really uncomfortable when you first start using it again. So, my "prayer muscles" and "faith muscles" are all miserable pins and needles right now.
Sometimes I wish I could just get comfortable and forget my calling to ministry and just be rich and live in a nice house and only be nice to people when I want to be.
Sometimes I wish I could be my own boss and God could just give me a blank check of approval to do whatever I want.
Sometimes I wish I really did know better than an Eternal Creator what was best for me.
But He's serious about preparing me for ministry. And whenever I get sidetracked, He has his ways of getting me back on course. Ugh, but it still sucks sometimes.
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